A Solemn Promise To The Readers of Seluke’s Movie Reviews

It has been exactly half a year since I last posted a review on this blog. It was September 5^th and how I long for those innocent carefree days. You see I got caught up in living the lifestyle of a screenwriter in Canada. It's all dom perignon for breakfast and lighting up Cuban cigars with hundred dollar bills after lunch. It was la dolce vita and I was enjoying every minute of it.

"Who cares if the needs of my faithful readers weren't being attended to," I would often wonder aloud. "What could possibly go wrong?"

And then it happened.

I'll never forget the chills that came over me when I heard the phone ring. I didn't know who was on the other end of that phone, I just knew it wasn't good. I picked up the phone and braced myself for the worst. Even still, I wasn't prepared for what I was about to hear.

"Tony, it's Bruce. I just saw 'How Do You Know?'"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I cried out. "How did this happen?"

"It was Paul Rudd in a James L. Brooks film. The same guy who did "As Good As It Gets" he explained.

"But that movie sucks," I told him. "It redefines the term "unwatchable".

And I'll never forget the words he said next…"I wish you would have told me that four hours ago."

He was right. It was all my fault.

I wish I could tell you Bruce recovered from seeing that steaming pile of dogcrap, but we all know better. For the rest of his life he will be a broken shell of the man he once was. And all because I wasn't there to prevent it.

So I make this solemn promise to you all. I will never leave you again. I will post a review every week from now until the time they stop making movies. And after How Do You Know, that may be sooner than you think.

Never again will I allow my awesome lifestyle get in the way of my duties as a movie reviewer. With great power comes great responsibility…to make sure nobody EVER sees How Do You Know and others of its ilk.

Tomorrow I will be posting a review of Hall Pass. After that, I will post at least once per week, often allowing you to choose the movie you want reviewed. Together we can prevent another tragedy like the one that happened to Bruce.

As for what can be done to help Bruce, his only wish is that you all send me lots of money in the…wait…hold on…my lawyers inform me I am not legally permitted to ask you to send me money in the mail.

So I won't.

Wink wink.