Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Backup Plan

The best wing joint in the universe is Duff's Famous Wings on Bayview in Toronto. I go there every time I am in the city. What I love about Duff's is they have a wing so hot, when someone orders it they ring a bell and set off the flashing red light. This is the dreaded Armageddon wing and it is one level hotter than "Death". That's right - there is a wing level hotter than death. One night while watching my buddies Lee and Rob enjoy Armageddon wings, I decided I would try one. Up to that point, the hottest I would go is "Super Hot" and I couldn't imagine going any hotter. But I was of the mindset that even thought it might be an unpleasant experience, I wanted to try one to see just how bad it could be. The answer – worse than I ever imagined. Long story short, that wing made me its bitch. But it also taught me two very important things: (1) Lee and Rob are clearly better men than I and (2) Never do anything you know will be unpleasant just to see how unpleasant it could possibly be.

A lesson I should have heeded when I was considering going to see "The Backup Plan".

Now I knew this was going to be a bad movie. Anyone unfortunate enough to be exposed to the trailer could tell this movie was going to suck big time (please forgive the professional film review jargon) but I wanted to see just how bad it could possibly be. Cue the bell and flashing red lights.

From the very first image, it was clear there was something off about this movie. We see a close-up of Zoe's (Jennifer Lopez) feet and hear her inner monologue as she frets over not getting a pedicure before the procedure. Turns out she is being artificially inseminated and at this moment she is obsessing over the horror of the doctor seeing her toenails in that condition. And that was all the comedy included in that scene. It was then that I knew that the people behind this movie don't know how to bring the funny. And nothing that unfolded over the next 104 minutes did anything to dissuade me of this notion.

But being simply un-funny is not the biggest sin this movie commits. This movie goes on to commit the cardinal sin of betraying and undermining the movie's entire premise. The premise of The Backup Plan is that immediately after deciding to get artificially inseminated, she meets the man of her dreams which in this case is Stan (Alex O'Laughlin). So now Zoe has to keep this great guy she's met (of course she hates him at first) even though she's now going to have a baby. Now for this premise to work, one of two things has to happen. Either (A) This guy has to be the all-time commit-a-phobe who tells her that even the thought of having kids would send him running to the hills or (B) She has to believe that to be the case on her own. Either way, she has to keep the pregnancy from him for as long as possible because as soon as he finds out, he is gone. There could be a lot of funny bits in seeing how long a pregnant woman can hide this fact from her new boyfriend. What can't happen is for him to find out about it early and be such a great guy that he's going to stick around anyway. As you can probably guess, they went with the latter scenario and at this point I start looking around the theatre.

Why?

In 2003 I decided to go see Gili (another J.Lo. bomb) in the theatre because then, like now, I wanted to see how bad it could be. When I was in the theatre I counter 21 people there. By the 40 minute mark seven had walked out. A full third of the audience had walked out and I was certain people would walk out of The Backup Plan. Why wouldn't they? It's not funny and now that Stan knows Zoe is pregnant, it has no choice but to play out like a poor man's She's Having a Baby (1988). The only option at this point is to have them fight and get back together a few times before the big fight after which we believe they are done for good. Then of course she will go into labour, word will get to him that she is in labour and he will rush to her side and they will live happily ever after.

And I possibly could have lived with this if the execution was within a ten dollar cab ride of being believable. But what causes the big fight? He mentions to someone that the babies aren't his. She of course believes this means he will not stick around and this is what passes for an ACT II turning point. What convinces her that he really will stick around? She found out he had ordered a special stroller for the impending twins. That tells her that his love is real. These characters are morons and deserve lifetime of each other's company.

So this movie is not funny, betrayed its premise, and has Jennifer Lopez who now must surpass Carrot Top atop the" box office poison" pyramid. Clearly it can't get any worse. If only that were the case.

On top of everything else, the movie trots out every last rom com cliché and expects us to react like we've never seen it before. So I hereby declare a moratorium on the following hack-writer devices:

  1. The talking in the mirror fake-out – We see a close-up of Zoe as she appears to be telling Stan that she is pregnant. As soon as we see it, the piece screams out "She's talking in a mirror". It goes on for what seems like an eternity before they pull back to reveal…wait for it…she was just practicing in a mirror. The next screenwriter who tries to pass this off as fresh is getting the Armageddon wing enema.


     

  2. The food/water fight substituting for first date chemistry – Zoe and Stan are having what we are to believe as a romantic date because they are having dinner outdoors. When Stan accidently spills red wine on her, he tries to help her clean up and this leads to an eventual water fight with a hose which we are supposed to think is cute and endearing. Here's the new rule – If you can't demonstrate chemistry between the lovers during the dinner portion, you don't get to pass off a food fight or water fight as evidence they should be together.


     

  3. The pregnant woman watches the wacky Lamaze colleague give birth first and gets freaked out – this one pretty much speaks for itself and needs to be retired.


     

I wondered why they would make this movie so soon after Knocked Up covered the material so much better. Then I thought maybe they thought they were doing the opposite premise of Knocked up. Knocked up was mismatched couple finds out she is pregnant and how will they deal with the fact that it is his baby. The backup Plan is she meets the perfect guy after intentionally getting pregnant on her own. How will they cope with the fact it is not his baby.

The difference is that Knocked Up was smart, fresh, funny, and poignant. What is the opposite of that?

The Backup Plan.